That Gift

God has given everything to me, so I can give back to Him everything I am.

I wonder what today has in store for me?

I have been struggling with far too many things in life (at least according to MY desires), and my most recent reaction has been relative inaction.

I can't do it anymore!

It is in denial of what God has put in my heart.
It is in fear of how the world will react to these very unworldly desires of my heart.

Consider this post as an answer to days and days of prayerful contemplation, with a certain disgust with my inability to respond to truth...

All I have are questions.  When I get a glimpse of an answer, it typically increases my lack of conviction to share.  "What will they think of me?"

This calling is not normal.
This calling will be judged.
This calling will lead to even greater struggles.

Yet, to not answer is becoming the death of me (in a way that does not lead to light).

The struggle has been a lonely answer to respond to the ways of the world and it's expectations.
The struggle in this darkness, steals my joy.

So, somehow today reveals a new light.  I pray that this light blinds me to the ways of the world and illuminates the way to Him.
I pray the struggle transforms into a communal answer to the ways of God.
The struggle in this light, brings joy to others.

Christ gave all.  How go we repay that gift?

Is it subject to interpretation and how, when and where we were raised?
No, there is only one truth.

Is it in response to our family, friends, co-workers, strangers, enemies?
Maybe, but towards what end?

Is it by attendance to church, and spiritual formation, volunteering and giving?
Perhaps, but what is our intent?

I was feeling really good there for a while about my endeavors to repay that gift, but there was always a nagging feeling that my efforts (while beautifully giving on the outside) where focusing efforts on the wrong light (I was a shining example of what God could do with your life if you let him).

It became about Him, for me.
Not about Him, for Him.

At least now I realize the complete and infinite separation of those paradigms.
Lord, I pray for the grace and strength to repay that gift for you alone.
Until then...